I just received an e-mail from Stick-Paul for you, his adoring and unworthy fans. In it he outlined steps toward winning arguments. Thank goodness for Stick-Paul's generous heart, because the last few people I spoke with couldn't even convince me of their existence! Here are the steps Stick-Paul outlined in his own words:
My friends,
Here are 10 steps towards winning any argument which I have devised for your benefit. Use them wisely.
1. Talk over-top of your opponent.
2. Accuse your opponent of talking over you.
3. Repeat your position several times without acknowledging your opponent's position.
4. Prematurely invoke closure with phrases like "end of story" and "no question".
5. Ridicule your opponent's position.
6. Choose an easily argued point and pretend that it supports your position. Don't explain why.
7. Always make several unrelated points at the same time, thus making rebuttal difficult or impossible.
8. Exhaust your opponent by using as many words as possible.
9. Veer off topic. Return only to restate your position.
10. Declare victory.
If you disagree with my assertions, do not try to contact me. If you would let me get a word in edgewise, I will explain my ideas further as follows... First, re-read the 10 items listed above, as I suspect you did not read them properly the first time. If you had, then you would have no choice but to concede that these are unquestionably the finest tactics ever conceived of by man, end of story. Your infantile attempts to discredit them are just plain stupid, what is wrong with you? As Leonardo-De-Vinci once said "Anyone who conducts an argument by appealing to authority is not using his intelligence; he is just using his memory". Hold on, let me finish what I was saying ....... yada, yada ....... game on Saturday ....... lots of snow ....... jumper cables ....... fried chicken ....... now as I've mentioned before, these 10 steps will ensure victory in any argument. If you practice, you may one day be on the winning side of such lopsided disputes as the one you have just lost.
I trust you now have a better understanding of this subject than was previously evidenced by your lack of relevant knowledge and skill. If you wish to have better luck in the future, I suggest you read the 10 steps listed above.
Do not withhold this information from your friends and family for fear that it will negate your use of it when arguing with them. When executed properly, these steps ensure victory even when countered with similarly brilliant strategy.
I wrote these steps while traveling atop a train through the Indian countryside, where I was speaking with three farmers from different provinces, each speaking different Hindi dialects, about their troubles with well-water and the fertilization of their crops. Please forgive the lack of formality proper to a gentleman. I will make sure that, whatever the circumstances I am confronted with, my future letters to you will be written with greater care.
With all the sincerity available in a quasi-dimensional pseudoverse,
Stick-Paul.
Enjoy being able to confound those with whom you are arguing with this seamless strategy. I didn't think you deserved to be shown such marvelous knowledge, but the oft-benevolent Stick-Paul convinced me that you do deserve it... though I'm still confused on just why.
Aloofly,
Stick-Paul's manager.
Stick-Paul says: "I play the piano, and you should too."
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